These jokes were collected in the winter and spring of 1991 by students of at the Vysoka škola strojni a elektroteknicka (VŠSE) v Plzni, now the University of West Bohemia, Plzeň, Czech Republic.  Any errors of translation or interpretation are my own.

Socialism Jokes  

What is Socialism?
It's the painful transition from capitalism to capitalism, or
It's punishment for the Great October Socialist Revolution, or
It's the triumph of ideology over common sense.

Why build up socialism? 
It's easier than working.

What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In capitalism, man exploits man. In socialism, it's the other way around.

What are the greatest enemies of socialism? 
Spring, summer, autumn, and imperialism.

What would happen if a socialist republic were established in the middle of the Sahara desert?
Within three years, it would have to import sand.

Does class-inequality exist in socialism?
No, class-inequality exists only in capitalism. Socialism is based on absolute and common equality, though some are more equal than others.

What is the relation between salary and work in socialism?
Salary is punishment for discharged duty, or
Workers pretend to work and the state pretends to pay them.

How does supply and demand work in socialism?
You buy what is available and persuade yourself you need it.

Why is the Communist Party's paper so much bigger than the others?
So you can hide your face while reading it.

What is the beating heart of the Communist Party? The truncheon.

Would it be possible to build socialism in Canada?
Yes, but it would be a pity to destroy such a beautiful country.

Can a Communist Party exist in Switzerland?
Yes, of course, but it would be a pity!

Are there any countries where it is not possible to build socialism?
Yes, countries like Luxembourg are far to small for such a big mess.

What was the name of the most beautiful island in the Red Sea? 
West Berlin.

What is a sardine? 
A whale after ten years of socialism.

The Seven Wonders of Socialism
1. Everybody is employed.
2. Although everybody is employed, nobody works
3. Although nobody works, everybody fulfills the plan.
4. Although everybody fulfills the plan, there are no goods.
5. Although there are no goods, everybody has everything.
6. Although everybody has everything, everybody steals.
7. Although everybody steals, nothing is ever missing.
or
6. Although everybody has everything, nobody is satisfied.
7. Although nobody is satisfied, the Communist party always gets 100% of the vote.

Three stages in the competition between socialism and capitalism.
Stage number 1: Catch up and overtake
Stage number 2: Keep the pace
Stage number 3: Stay on the track

*A very old man enters a grocery store and says: "I'd like to buy everything in your store," and puts down a very large amount of money.
Ok, says the shopkeeper, but how will you get it home."
I don't want to take it home," says the man, "I want you to leave it just where it is, and if anybody comes to buy anything, give it to them free."
The shop assistant agrees and the old man sits on a bench outside the store and watches. A few customers go in and come out looking extremely happy. Soon the store is mobbed and within fifteen minutes, it is a pile of rubble. The old man continues to sit on the bench, dirty, but smiling and happy. The ravaged shopkeeper walks up and asks him, "Why did you do it? My shop is a ruin?"
Well, I'm very old, and I know I won't live to see true communism," says the man. "I just wanted to see what communism would look like."

Comrade Husák is giving a speech during a Communist Party meeting:
Comrades, in 1968 we were standing on an edge of deep abyss. Since then, we've taken a significant step forward..."

Why is capitalism standing on an edge of an abyss? 
To see us better.

A man listening to the radio asks his wife: "The comrade General Secretary just said that 'Communism is on the horizon. I know what communism is, but what does 'horizon' mean?"
She answers: "The horizon is the line where the sky seems to meet the earth and which gets the more distant the more one tries to reach it."

It is 2a.m. and a quiet night at Mr. Novak's house. Suddenly the doorbell rings.
Who's there?!" asks Mr. Novak sleepily.
Mailman. "I've got an express wire for you."
Mr. Novak naively opens the door.
Two guys with pistols enter the room and say that they are State Police agents investigating why Mr. Novak has applied for an emigration passport: "Look, Novak, you have a flat, you are reasonably paid for your work, you have a car and a summer house, you have a dollar account in the bank. Why the hell do you want to emigrate, and to New Zealand, of all places?"
Well, you see," explains Mr. Novak, "in New Zealand you cannot be awakened at 2a.m. by a mailman with an express wire..."

What is the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says that this regime is so bad that it could not get any worse, while an optimist knows that it can.
 
Economy Jokes
What's the difference between the Czechoslovak Crown and the US Dollar?
About a dollar.

What is the best sort of birth-control?
Window shopping at children's stores.

What is the difference between British and Czech coalminer?
None. Both of them can afford to go on a vacation to Prague.

What is the difference between a false alarm and increased prices? 
About a fortnight.

On what principles was the COMECON founded?
On the honesty of Polish, on the sobriety of Russians, on the diligence of Bulgarians, on the industrial technologies of Romania, on the German sense of humor, on the incorruptibility of Czechs and on the general knowledge of Hungarian language.

During the old regime, an American came to Czechoslovakia and after drinking at the pub with some friends, started to speak loudly, saying, 
"I hate communism," and spits at the picture of Husak on the wall.
Everybody in the pub goes silent. An old man walks slowly up to the American and asks, "In America, can you leave work whenever you want?"
No," says the American, a bit surprised, "I can't do that."
The old man continues, "In America, can you build your house with goods you take from work. "No," says the American, "Of course I can't do that."
The old man perseveres, "In America, can you build your house with work materials during work hours."
Of course not," says the American.
Well, I can." says the old man, wiping off the picture of Husak, "So don't spit."

Reagan heard that the Czech people were successfully building socialism so he sent a spy to lurk around and find out if it was true. When the spy returns, Reagan is eager to know the truth.
Well," says the spy, "They have an 8-hour work day, but they work for only 4 hours."
How is that possible," asks Reagan, "their economy would fail immediately."
Yes ... except they are only paid for 2 hours."
How are Czech workers like the Japanese?
Japanese workers work 2 hours a day for themselves, 4 hours a day for capitalists and 4 hours a day for Japan. Czech workers work 2 hours a day for themselves, there are no capitalists, and Japan is very far away.
 
Little Joseph Jokes (some Czech macabre here, not for the faint of stomach)
A Civics teacher told her class: "Children, there is a terrible drought in Cambodia. Make a note to tell your parents and bring 10 crowns tomorrow. The next day, all the children brought 10 crowns except Little Joseph (Pepiček). "Joseph, why didn't you bring 10 crowns?" asked the teacher. "My father said not to worry because it will rain again," he said.
Three months later, the teacher told her class: "Children, there are terrible floods in Cambodia. Make a note to tell your parents and bring 10 crowns tomorrow. The next day, all the children brought 10 crowns except Little Joseph. "Joseph, why didn't you bring 10 crowns?" asked the teacher. "My father said not to worry because it will be dry again," he said.
Three weeks later, the teacher told her class: "Children, they are founding a Communist party in Cambodia. Make a note to tell your parents and bring 10 crowns tomorrow. The next day, all the children brought 10 crowns except Little Joseph, who brought 100 crowns. "One hundred crowns," said the astonished teacher, "I
don't believe it. Why so much?" "My father said that they couldn't have met with worse disaster."
Addendum....
Three days later, little Joseph told the teacher: "My father read that there is no Communist party in Cambodia. He wants his 100 crowns back."
Maybe there isn't," said the teacher, "but there are poor and oppressed people there."
How could there be if there's no Communist party?" asked Little Joseph.

In another class, the civics teacher said, "Whoever tells me the name of the greatest man in the history of the world will receive a chocolate from me. Little Joseph stood up and said: "It was Vladimir Illych Lenin!" "Excellent, Joseph! You are improving!" said the teacher, "Come here for your chocolate." Joseph went up for his prize and on the way, said to himself: "Sorry, Rambo, but business is business."

Little Joseph started correspondence with a pen pal from Africa, Nelson. Nelson wrote him: "Dear Joseph, my country is beautiful, the sun shines all day long, I go naked all day long, and I eat bananas all day long." Joseph answered: "Dear Nelson, my country is beautiful from place to place, the sun shines from time to time, and if I had the chance to eat bananas all day long, I would go naked all day too.
The civics teacher tells the whole class: "Tomorrow we will have show and tell. I want you all to bring some useful object."

The next day, she begins show and tell and calls on a student: "Pavel, what useful object did you bring."
I brought a hammer," he says, holding it up. "You can use it to pound in nails."
Very good," says the teacher, "What did you bring, Ivana?"
I brought a pot," she says, holding it up. "You can use it to cook things."
Very good," says the teacher, "And what did you bring, Joseph?"
I brought this," says little Joseph, holding up an oxygen bottle. "It's very useful."
Where did you get it?" asks the teacher doubtfully.
From my grandfather," says little Joseph.
And what did he say when you took it?" the teacher asks.
(Cough), (Sputter), (Cough)."

Little Joseph says to his mother: "Mom, the meat is pretty tough today."
Well," she says, "Grandpa wasn't getting any younger."

Little Joseph asks his mother, "Mom, where is dad?"
Shut up, and eat your dinner more quickly," says his mother.

Little Joseph runs downstairs and tells his mother, "Mommy, mommy, come quickly, Daddy has hanged himself in the attic." Mother runs upstairs only to find no one there. Mother is furious. "April fool," says Joseph, "He hanged himself in the basement."

Little Joseph is sitting in an exam with a teacher and the teacher asks him: "If two people are talking and one of them is stupid, what will happen."
The other one will fail the exam," says Joseph

Little Joseph is sitting in class, looks out of the window and says "Today they will not go." The next day, he again looks out the window and says "Today they will not go." This continues for several weeks, and finally the teacher asks him, "Joseph, why do you keep saying, 'Today they will not go'?" "Well," says little Joseph, "My father says that one fine day, all communists will go to hell."

A teacher decides to test students' imaginations, so she asks them, "What do you think about when I mention the sound of wind."
I think of beautiful forests," says Andulka.
I think of thunderstorms," says Petr.
I think of making love," says little Joseph.
The teacher is a bit surprised at this answer, but she continues: "What do you think about when I mention the sound of falling water?"
I think of rain on the roof," says Andulka.
I think of waterfalls and mountain streams," says Petr
I think of making love," says little Joseph.
The teacher is again surprised at this answer, but she continues:
What do you think about when I mention the sound of a whistle."
I think of trains to far off places," says Andulka.
I think of football games," says Petr.
I think of making love," says little Joseph.
Finally, the teacher has had enough. "Joseph," she says, "Why is it that whatever I say makes you think of making love?"
I guess I must think about it a lot," says Joseph.

*A Civics teacher asks her students if any of their parents or relatives have been decorated for contributing to socialism.
My mother received the second order of Stalin for overfilling her plan targets at the steel mill," says Andulka
My father received the fourth order of Lenin for military bravery behind the line of fire," says Petr.
All the students in the class give similar answers except little Joseph. "Weren't your parents ever decorated for anything?" asks the teacher.
No, I don't think so," says Joseph
What about your aunts or uncles?"
No, I don't think they were either."
What about your grandparents, weren't they ever decorated?" asks the teacher.
Well, my grandfather was decorated for the battle of Dukla Pass."
Why didn't you tell me," says the teacher, "We could name the school after him. What was his name?"
Obersturmbahnfuhrer Hans Schneider."

Granny Jokes
Granny and Maradona were both in the same train compartment traveling through Czechoslovakia. Granny introduced herself and said "Who are you?" "Don't you recognize me," Maradona said, "I'm the most famous man in the world." Granny thought for a second, then smiled and said, "I'm sorry I didn't recognize you, Comrade Lenin, but where did you get such a nice suntan."

Granny is busy painting her house with new white paint, when a passerby asks, "Why are you painting your house white." "Because," says Granny, "I heard that communists will never get into the white house."

Granny goes to the cinema, but the woman at the counter says, "Sorry, we're closed today, Andropov died."
Don't you have another projectionist?" asked Granny.

Granny, on her deathbed, has a last wish: "I want to join the Communist party!"
You are a fool," her children tell her.
No, I'm not," she says, "I just want to please my brother."
Your brother isn't a party member," they tell her.
No, but he is indescribably pleased by the death of any Communist."
 
Heaven and Hell Jokes
What's the difference between capitalist hell and socialist hell.
In capitalist hell, the damned must lie on a bed of nails while a steam roller drives over them. In socialist hell, it is exactly the same, except sometimes there are no nails, sometimes the steam roller is broken and sometimes the driver is too drunk to work.

Gustav Husak dies and meets Comrade Peter in the Afterlife. Comrade Peter says, "As you know, we have done away with hell, but we have created an efficient substitute and shows Husak to a lake filled with millions of people. "Stand in this lake," says Peter, "The more you have sinned, the deeper you will sink." Husak enters nervously and sinks to his waist. A little angry, he looks around at all the others and sees Hitler with water only up to his ankles. Husak calls Peter over and says angrily, "Look at the injustice. Hitler was a far bigger sinner than I was, yet he is only submerged to his ankles." Peter looks over and, annoyed, says "Hitler! Get off of Brezhnev's head."
 
'Flying in a Plane' Jokes
The President of Czechoslovakia and the Secretary of the Communist Party were flying in a plane, and the president said: "If I throw 10 crowns out the window, I make someone happy." The Secretary of the Party says "Well if I through 100 crowns out the window, I make ten people happy." "I could do better," they heard the pilot say. "Really, how?" they asked skeptically. "If I threw they both of you out the window, I'd make the whole country happy."

George Bush, Helmut Kohl and Václav Havel are flying in a plane and suddenly they see a demon flying behind them.
Bush gives the demon $1,000,000 but it continues to follow them.
Kohl gives it 2,000,000 DM but it continues to follow them.
Havel gives him a piece of paper. The demon cries in anguish and flies away quickly.
What did you give him?" ask Bush and Gorbachev.
Membership in the Civic Forum," Havel replies.

An American, a Russian, and a Czech were flying a plane which seemed about to crash. Unfortunately, there were only two parachutes. The Russian grabbed one and jumped out of the plane. "What do we do now?" asked the Czech, "How do we decide who lives and who dies?" "Don't worry," said the American, "the Russian took my backpack."
 
'An American, a Czech and a Russian' Jokes
  An American, a Czech, and a Russian are stranded on a desert island. They find a lamp, rub it, and a genie offers them each 3 wishes.
The American says: "I want to be back in America. I want a nicer house, and I want a nicer car." His wishes are granted and he disappears.
The Czech says: "I want to be back in Czechoslovakia. I want a nicer flat, and I want a car." His wishes are granted and he disappears.
The Russian says: "I want a loaf of bread. I want a bottle of vodka, and I want you to bring the American and the Czech back." (See 'Three Wishes' Jokes)

An American and a Russian are debating whose country is more free. The American says, "America is so free that I can stand in front of the White House in the middle of the night and scream, "Bush is an idiot!" and nobody will punish me.
That's nothing," says the Russian. "The U.S.S.R. is so free that I can take a shit in the middle of Red Square, and nobody will punish me."
The American is surprised and he admits, "Maybe I exaggerated a little. I could scream "Bush is an idiot," in the middle of the night but I would probably be fined for disturbing the peace."
I'm afraid I exaggerated a bit too," admits the Russian. "I could take a shit in Red Square, but not with my pants down."

An American, a Czech, and a Russian are debating whose country has superior agriculture. The American says, "In America, we have developed such an amazing potato plant that two months after you plant it, you can harvest it."
Not very impressive," says the Czech, "In Czechoslovakia, we have developed a potato plant that can be harvested only one month after you plant it."
That's nothing," says the Russian, "Our potatoes are harvested the day after they are planted."
That's impossible," say the American and the Czech.
You don't know hunger," says the Russian.
 
Havel and Klaus Jokes
Václav Klaus wants to know whether the prices are really as high as everybody complains, so he takes President Havel and they go out on the streets to look at prices. A sign in a shop window attracts his attention: "Trousers, 100 Kčs." "See," Klaus says, "prices aren't really so high."
Shhhh, this is a dry-cleaners," whispers Havel.

A man is standing near Václavske Naměste eating grass when President Havel walks by. Havel is shocked and asks the man "Why are you eating grass?" "I have no food or money," says the man. Havel pulls out his wallet, gives the man 100 crowns and says "Here, go buy yourself a good dinner."
A few days later, the same man is standing near Václavske Naměste eating grass when Finance Minister Klaus walks by. Klaus is shocked and asks the man "Why are you eating grass?" "I have no food or money," says the man. Klaus reaches into his pocket, gives the man a crown and says "Take the tram to Strahkov. The grass is better there."
Addendum (circa 1990)...
A few days later, the same man is standing near Václavske Naměste eating grass when Gorbachev walks by. Gorbachev asks the man "Why are you eating grass?" "I have no food or money," says the man. Gorbachev gives him a sickle and says: "the hay in the Ukraine needs harvesting. Go make yourself useful."

A man is standing near Václavske Naměste eating grass when Vaclav Klaus walks by. Klaus is shocked and asks the man, "Why are you eating grass?" "I have no food or money," says the man.
Don't eat the grass, make hay out of it," says Klaus, "Otherwise what will you eat in winter?"

Václav Havel, in prison, receives a letter from his wife, Olga: "Václav, I would like to plant potatoes in the garden, but I have no one to help me dig the ground, and you will be in prison for at least another two years."
Václav writes back: "Olga! Heaven help you! Don't plant anything in the garden! I buried very important materials there."
In the next letter, Olga writes: "Václav, six men arrived and turned the garden upside down searching for something, what should I do?"
Václav writes back: "Plant the potatoes."

When I open the newspaper - Havel.
When I turn on the radio in the morning - Havel.
When I turn on my TV in the evening - Havel.
When I open a can, I'm afraid.
   
'Standing in Line for Meat' Jokes
A man is standing in line for meat, and after awhile, becomes very angry and begins cursing the system. A suspiciously dressed man who had been lurking nearby walks up to him and says "Comrade, in the old days if someone made such complaints, well..." makes a gesture in the shape of a pistol and points it at his head.
After awhile, the man comes home empty handed. "What's wrong?" asks his wife, "Are they out of meat?" "Worse," says the man, "they're out of bullets."

A man in the USSR is standing in line for meat, and after awhile, becomes very angry and tells his friend, "I've had it. I'm going to go and kill Gorbachev."
After awhile, the man comes back. "What happened?" asked his friend. "The line's longer over there."

Two men in the Ukraine meet on a train. "Where are you going," asks the first. "I'm going to Moscow to buy meat." says the second. "Me too," says the first. The train winds its way through the USSR and finally gets to Kiev, where the second man starts to get off. "I thought you were going to Moscow to buy meat," says the first. "I am. The line starts here."

A pollster asks an American, a Russian, and a Czech: "What is your opinion about standing in line for meat?"
The American says: "What do you mean, 'standing in line'?"
The Russian says: "What do you mean, 'meat'?"
The Czech says: "What do you mean, 'think'?"
 
Wish Fulfillment
A Czech is working in his garden and God comes down. "Hi," says God, "I'm God. I'm just coming down to see how you're doing. Just making sure you're all right."
The Czech squints at God and says: "How do I know you're God? If you're God, grant me a wish."
No problem," says God, "but remember, because I am God and the source of all generosity, anything I give to you, I will give twice as much to your neighbor."
The Czech thinks for several minutes and says: "Make me blind in one eye."

God grants wishes to an American, a Frenchman, and a Czech.
The American says: "My neighbor has a beautiful house. I want an even better one."
The Frenchman says: "My neighbor has a beautiful wife. I want an even better one."
The Czech says: "My neighbor has a beautiful pig. Kill it."

A Czech is stranded on a desert island. He finds a lamp, rubs it, and a genie offers him 3 wishes.
I want a cold bottle of beer," says the Czech. A bottle of beer appears and the Czech drinks it all in one swallow. Magically, it fills itself up again. "It's a magic bottle," says the genie, "It'll never run dry. What do you want for your other wishes?"
Give me two more of these," says the Czech.

A Czech is fishing in the middle of the ocean and catches a goldfish. The goldfish offers the fisherman 3 wishes in exchange for being returned to the sea.
The fisherman thinks and says, "Make half the ocean into beer."
And what's your second wish."
The fisherman thinks and says, "Make the other half beer too."
And what's your third wish."
The fisherman, getting a bit annoyed, says, "Just give me a bottle of beer and stop bothering me."

Three teenagers are walking along the river bank and see a man drowning. They rush to
save his life only to find that it is Communist Party leader Bilák. Bilák is grateful and offers
the boys anything they want.
The first teenager says, "I want a bike."
You'll have it," says Bilák.
The second says, "I want an American flag."
You'll have it," says Bilák reluctantly.
The third says, "I need a wheel-chair."
What?" asks Bilák, "You're a healthy young man."
I know, but when my father finds out who's life I saved, he's going to break my legs."
 
Brezhnev Jokes
At the 1980 Olympics in Moscow, the crowd hushed as Leonid Brezhnev stood up and began his opening speech:
Oh---Oh---Oh---Oh . . ." said Brezhnev
At the fourth "Oh", an aide tapped him on the shoulder and said: "Don't read that, it's the Olympic logo."

One morning Brezhnev looked out the Kremlin window and saw the sun. "Sun," he said, "Who is the best man in all the world." "You are! You are!" said the sun.
At noon, Brezhnev again looked out the Kremlin window, saw the sun, and asked "Who is the best man in all the world." "You are! You are!" said the sun.
At sunset, Brezhnev again looked out the Kremlin window, saw the sun and asked again, "Who is the best man in all the world." "Well, it sure isn't you," said the sun, "you see, I'm in the West now and you can't catch me."

Brezhnev had difficulty understanding part of his speech and asked his advisor, "What's the difference between a surprise and a miracle."
The advisor thought for a moment, pointed out the Kremlin window and said: "If Lenin woke up, it would be a surprise. If he didn't kick you in the backside for what you've done to this country, it would be a miracle."

 What's the difference between Brezhnev and coal?
About 50 years.

Leonid Brezhnev visited a country in sub-Saharan Africa and gave a speech in the main square of the capital. After every sentence, the crowd cheers and yells "Yubo! yubo! yubo!" Brezhnev is almost moved to tears.
Later, Brezhnev and the African chief visit the WC and the chief happens to look down at Brezhnev and says to himself: "Such a big leader of the Communists and such a little yubo."

Leonid Brezhnev arrives in Czechoslovakia for a state visit, and a man living near the airport Brezhnev, is startled by the 21 gun salute. He asks his wife, "What is that shooting?"
Mr. Brezhnev has arrived," she says.
Moments later, he hears another salute and asks, "Why so much shooting?"
As I said," says his wife, "Brezhnev has arrived."
Nobody hit him the first time?"

Brezhnev and Husák are running across Václavske Naměste being chased by policemen. They run past a garbage can, and Husák hides in it. Brezhnev keeps running but is caught. As the policemen lead him back past the garbage can, he kicks it and yells: "Get out, you criminal, you've been denounced."
 
Miloš Jakeš (last General Secretary of the Czechoslovak Communist Party) Jokes
Why was Miloš Jakeš permitted to drink alcohol in 5th grade?
He was already 18 years old.

Did you know that Miloš Jakeš was a child prodigy?
At age 5, his vocabulary was the same as at age 50.

A newsboy stands on the sidewalk, calling: "Buy a lottery ticket, the third prize is a Škoda Favorit."
One passer-by asks, "If the third prize is a car, what is the second?" The newsboy tells him: "It's ten minutes of confidential conversation with the general secretary, Miloš Jakeš."
Conversation with Jakeš?" says the man, "Why, I'd rather kick him in the backside!!"
That's the first prize."

At a Central Committee news conference for journalists from friendly countries, a Cuban reporter asked "How is Communism doing in Czechoslovakia?"
Well, you yourself know the answer, but you can't write it as I say it," says General Secretary Miloš Jakeš, "Communism in Czechoslovakia is up the ass (a colloquial expression meaning...well the meaning is obvious)."
The next day, a banner headline appears in the Cuban paper: "In Czechoslovakia, Communism is within reach."

A Czechoslovak delegation headed by Miloš Jakeš visited Argentina. During the whole trip, Jakes had nothing to say, but just before departure, he asked through a translator, "Please tell me how it is possible that you have 80% illiteracy and yet everything is so clean and efficient.
The Argentine president answered, "That's easy, Secretary Jakeš, we don't put them in the government."

At an auto show, the Škoda is shown to the public for the first time. Naturally, government representatives are present. The director of the Škoda company says to Miloš Jakeš: "Dear General Secretary of the Communist Party it would be an honor if we could give you the first new Škoda free!!!"
That's impossible," says Jakeš, "That would be bribery, which is in direct opposition to the principles of our developed socialist society!"
All right," says the director, "We'll give it to you for symbolic price 10Kčs."
That's different," says Jakeš and he searches his pockets. Finally he pulls out a bill and says "All I've got is a twenty. Just give me two."
 
Gustav Husak (last Communist Party president of Czechoslovakia) Jokes
Several prostitutes are standing on the sidewalk. Ronald Reagan walks by, and the women say nothing. Then, Leonid Brezhnev walks by. "Good morning, Mr. Brezhnev!" says one of the women, quite excitedly." "Why did you do that?" ask the other women. "Don't you know, he runs one of the biggest brothels in the world," says the first woman.
Then Gustav Husak walks by. "Good Morning, Mr. Husak!" the women all shout.

Husak and Reagan are discussing the number of people who are discontented with their respective governments.
Reagan says: "I'm sure the number isn't higher than 20 million.
Husák says: "To tell the truth, it's about the same in Czechoslovakia."

Gustav Husák is talking on the phone to Leonid Brezhnev: "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, no, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, Goodbye."
My god," said Husák's assistant, "How did you have the nerve to tell him no."
It was no problem," said Husák, "he was just asking if my mouth didn't hurt from saying yes all the time." (or "He was just asking if my neck didn't hurt from constant nodding.")

A man is devoured by Leonid Brezhnev, and, walking around in Brezhnev's stomach, he meets Gustav Husak. "President Husak," he says, "Were you devoured too?"
No," said Husak, "I came in the other way."

A man is standing in front of a public lavatory throwing coins into the toilet. A passing cop shouts at him, "What the hell are you doing!"
I am financially supporting Husák," the man responds.
What? That's a toilet!"
Well, you said it, not me...", replies the man.

Husak and his Foreign Minister Strougal take a vacation at the luxurious Communist Party villa in the mountains. One morning, Husak wakes up, looks out his window, and sees that someone has pissed in the snow to form the words: "Husak is a shithead." Furious, he rounds up his StB men and demands that they find the culprit. That evening, he calls them back and demands: "Tell me, who did this terrible thing." "Well," said the chief StBman, "We know and we don't know." "What do you mean, 'you know
and you don't know," demands Husak. "Well," says the StB man, visibly frightened, "the urine is Strougal's, but the handwriting is your wife's."

What was Gustav Husak's main accomplishment as a surgeon?
He transplanted the heart of Europe into the ass of the Soviet Union.

One day, Gustav Husak goes outside Prague Castle and begins bending over, picking up rocks, examining them and putting them in his backpack. He does this for several hours and his assistants begin to worry about the mental state of their leader and calls Moscow to see if they can make anything of it.
Oh, not again," says Brezhnev, "We must have crossed the lines between Prague castle and our Lunakhod moon rover."

Reagan, Gorbachev and Husák are at a summit, when suddenly God appears and says, "Gentlemen, stop your arguing. The world will end in two weeks." The presidents return home immediately.
Reagan walks into the White House and says, "Immediately open the state treasury. Give people all the money they want and let people them live as they wish!"
Gorbachev walks into the Kremlin and announces, "Give the people all the stocks of vodka and let them all get drunk."
Husák arrives in Prague, calls a meeting of the Communist Party and cheerfully says, "Wonderful news, comrades, Perestroika has been cancelled!"

Husák is on his way to an important meeting of the Communist party but getting out of the limousine, he tears his pants. Husák nods to his driver and they rush back to Prague Castle to change pants. No sooner do they pull up in front of the castle than Husák's maid rushes out with a bundle and says: "Here are the pants, Comrade Husák!"
Thanks a lot," says Husák, startled, "but how did you know that I needed them?"
I've just heard it on Radio Free Europe," says the maid.
 
Bush, Havel, and Gorbachev Jokes
Three presidents--Bush, Havel, and Gorbachev--have a meeting with God. Each can ask Him one question.
Bush asks, "God, tell me, when will Americans be happy?"
In twenty years," God said. Bush, unhappy that it would take so long, turns and goes away crying.
Havel asks, "God, tell me, when will Czechs and Slovaks be happy?" 
"In fifty years," God said. Havel, unhappy that it would take so long, turns and goes away crying.
Gorbachev asks, "God, tell me, when will Russians be happy?" God turns and goes away crying.

Three presidents--Bush, Havel, and Gorbachev--have a meeting with God. Each can ask Him one question.
Bush asks, "God, tell me, will Americans ever be happy?"
Yes, my son," says God, "but not in your lifetime."
Havel asks, "God, tell me, will Czechs and Slovaks ever be happy?"
Yes, my son," says God, "but not in your lifetime."
Gorbachev asks, "God, tell me, will Russians ever be happy?"
Yes, my son," says God, "but not in My lifetime."

One day George Bush invites Havel and Gorbachev to the White House and invites them for a swim in his new swimming pool. "It's a very special pool," he says, "When you stand on the diving board, say whatever you would like to have in the pool and it will automatically become whatever you want. Let me show you." Bush stands on the diving board, says, "Whiskey," and dives into a pool full of whiskey, has a sip, and gets out. Havel gets on the diving board, says "Beer" and dives into a pool full of excellent beer. He takes a big drink and climbs out. Gorbachev is very excited and gets on the diving board. He is just about to say, "Vodka" when he slips and says, "Shit."
 
Radio Jerevan
Radio Jerevan time signal: Beep ... Beep ... Beep ... Beep ... Beeeeep! It's exactly 9:00 ... 9:30 at the latest.

Radio Jerevan time signal: Beep ... Beep ... Beep ... Beep ... Beeeeep! It's exactly 12:00. A special bulletin for KGB members: Don't be concerned about the disappearance of the little hand. It is behind the big one.

Radio Jerevan receives a question from a listener. "Is it true that cars are being given away in Red Square in Moscow."
That is correct, except for a few small errors. First, it isn't Moscow, but Leningrad. Second, it isn't Red Square, but the banks of the river Neva. Third, it isn't cars but bicycles. Fourth, they're not given away, but stolen.

Radio Jerevan receives a question from a listener: "What is the best form of contraception?"
A glass of water."
Before or after?" asks the listener.
Instead of."

Radio Jerevan receives a question from a listener: "Is it true that wheat in the USSR grows like telephone poles."
Yes," says Radio Jerevan, "but not in height, only in sparseness."
 
USSR Jokes
(Twenty years ago) a hunter was wandering through Siberia and hadn't been in a town for almost two months. Finally, when he encountered another person he asked excitedly, "Can you tell me the result of the Spassky-Fisher chess match."
I lost."

Three geologists are exploring in Siberia, far from any town and with nothing to eat but beans. After six weeks, the first says, "This is terrible. We're six-thousand kilometers from Moscow and all we have to eat is beans."
Consider yourself fortunate. I've heard of a town called Nobirsk that is eight thousand kilometers from Moscow and they don't even have beans."
I know somewhere that must be even worse," says the third. "There is a place called Los Angeles that is over twelve thousand kilometers from Moscow."

The people of a small village in Siberia receive news over the radio that on one Saturday morning, they must all come to the village railroad station, so on that Saturday morning, they all assemble. The radio then tells them to stand alongside the railroad tracks, so they all do. The radio then tells them to take off their shirts and wait. Despite the fact that it is 20C below zero, so they all comply. An hour later, a train rushes by. A while after the train is gone, the radio tells them "Your annual medical examination is now complete. You have been found healthy. Go back to work."

*A foreigner in Moscow needs to go to the bathroom but when he gets to the hotel, he finds that women are going into the room marked M (for Muž) while men are going into the room marked Ž (for Ženy). Confused, he asks the porter what is going on. "
We have perestroika here," says the porter, "M stands for Madam and Ž stands for Žentlemen."
Soviet watches are the best, most accurate, and fastest in the world.

How is Gorbachev like Vinnatou?
Both want their red brothers to stop drinking firewater.

What are the four degrees of comparison in Czech?
Good, better, best, Soviet,
or
Long, longer, longest, temporary [in reference to the 1968 temporary fraternal assistance.

How do you recognize a telephone with a direct line to Moscow.
It only has an earpiece.

American astronauts land on the moon and call their base in a panic: "The Russians are already here, and they're painting the moon red." "No problem," says the mission controller, "Just wait until they leave and then write Coca Cola."

The mayor of a small town in Siberia is called to Moscow for Brezhnev's funeral. He goes and several weeks later, he comes back and excitedly tells all of his friends and neighbors about the parades and speeches. The next year, he is called to Moscow again, this time for Andropov's funeral. When he returns, he again tells his friends and neighbors about the parades and speeches. The next year, he is called to Moscow for Chernenko's funeral, and he returns rather disappointed. "It's always the same," he tells his friends and neighbors, "I don't think I'll go next year."

How are the Soviet hospitals heated?
They find the patients with the highest temperatures and give them blankets.

Why do Soviet submarines cruise like this:
\      /\     /\     /\     /\     /\     /\     /\      /\
 \   /   \  /   \   /   \  /  \   /  \   /  \   /   \   /
  \/      \/     \/      \/     \/     \/     \/     \/
So the rowers can come up for air.

Lithuanian leader Landsbergis visits Moscow and asks Mikhail Gorbachev for independence for Lithuania.
No way!" responds Gorbachev.
Mikhail, half a year, please!" asks Landsbergis.
No." responds Gorbachev.
Well how about just one weekend?"
Well, maybe, that would be all right," agrees Gorbachev, "But come Monday morning, you're part of the USSR again.".
On Monday morning the Soviet leader calls Landsbergis for a report.
I'm afraid there's been a problem, comrade Gorbachev," Landsbergis replies, "On Saturday the people declared war on Finland and on Sunday they all volunteered to be prisoners of war."

Reagan, Husák, and Gorbachev go on vacation to New Zealand. After a month they are delivered their first newspapers.
Reagan grabs his and complains: "Oh no. Turmoil on the U.S.-Canadian border!"
Husák, laughing, grabs the paper, and gasps: "Damn! Chaos on Czech-Slovak border!" Gorbachev, apparently amused, grabs the third newspaper, suddenly pales: "Finno-Chinese border still calm..."

Prague Castle Jokes
Flags are flown at half mast in Prague Castle. A former scientist, now unemployed street-sweeper, enters the lobby and asks if he can apply for the job of the deceased comrade.
What? He was the Secretary General of the Communist Party!" says the porter incredulously, "Are you mad?"
I'm sorry," replies the applicant, "I didn't know that was a condition for the job."

What would happen if the heads of old men glowed like light bulbs?
Prague Castle would look like Las Vegas.

A man in search of a bathroom walks into Prague Castle and asks "Where's the head?"
He's in Moscow with his delegation."
The man says: "No, no, I mean where's the john?"
He's in Moscow too."
The man says: "No, no, I mean where's the room for making shit?"
Oh, the office of the President--straight ahead and to your left."
What's the difference between Václav Havel and Přemsyl Orač?
When Přemsyl went to Prague Castle, he left his oxen in the field.
 
Czech Jokes
Two Czechs meet in the street. The first asks "How are you?" and the second immediately begins telling the other his problems. The first gets a bit annoyed and says: "You didn't ask me how I am.'" The second looks a bit surprised and says, "Well, how are you?" "Don't ask," replies the first.

How can you tell that time moves faster in Czechoslovakia?
In other places, it takes nine months between the wedding night and the birth of a child. Here, it only takes four or five.

A man in Prague needs to use the WC very badly and sees a building marked "WC." He rushes in and says, "I need to use the WC."
Certainly," says a woman sitting at a desk, "just fill out this form." He fills it out very quickly and hands it back to her. "Please go upstairs," she says.
The man runs upstairs and says, "I really need to use the WC."
Certainly," says another woman sitting at a desk, "just fill out this form." He fills it out very, very quickly and hands it back to her. "Please go upstairs," she says.
The man runs upstairs and is stopped by another woman who says, "One more form please." He groans but fills it out, thrusts it back to her and demands, "Where is the WC?"
It's in Strahov."
Czech premier Pithart, Slovak premier Čarnogursky and Federal premier Čalfa are walking across a frozen river and the ice breaks, who is saved?
Czechoslovakia.
 
Science and Medicine Jokes
An American doctor visits a Czechoslovak hospital and is given a full tour. Finally, he is taken to the AIDS ward, and the Czech doctor explains that the AIDS patients are well cared for and well fed:
We give them pancakes three times a day," he says.
Pancakes?" Asks the American, "Is this some new treatment?"
No," says the Czech, "It's the only thing that fits under the doors."

A Czech scientist studying insects performs an experiment on a flea:
Entry 1. "Ordered flea to jump, flea jumped 8 cm."
Entry 2. "Cut first leg off flea and ordered flea to jump. Flea jumped 7 cm.
Entry 3. "Cut second leg off flea and ordered flea to jump. Flea jumped 6 cm.
and so on until ...
Entry 7. "Cut sixth leg off flea and ordered flea to jump. Flea has become deaf.

A Czech agricultural scientist performs an experiment to train cows not to eat:
The experiment continued successfully for several weeks, but just before reaching complete success, all cows accidentally died."

A Czech engineer on an exchange with Boeing is asked to help solve a problem Boeing has been having with wings breaking off of aircraft.
Simple solution," he says, "Find the place where the break is occurring and make a series of holes along that line."
Are you crazy?" they ask him, "Won't holes just make that part of the wing weaker?"
It doesn't work that way with toilet paper," explains the engineer.
 
Policemen Jokes
Two cops on their beat find a corpse on the sidewalk next to a wall. The first cop complains loudly: "This is terrible, just terrible. Do you know how much paperwork we'll have to do to take care of this mess.
The second cop says, "Yes, it's terrible, but I have an idea. On the other side of this wall is another ward. If we throw the corpse over the wall, we'll have no problems."
The first agreed, and the corpse went over the wall.
An hour later in the other ward, two other cops find the corpse and say: "Damn, there she is again."

Two policemen are walking down the road and one says, "Look, dead bird."
Where," says the other, looking up.

Two policemen are walking down the road and one finds a severed human head. "Look," he says to his partner, holding the head out at arm level, "Isn't this the head of our chief."
No," says the other, "he was taller."

Two policemen are walking down the road and one finds a severed hand. "Isn't this the hand of our chief?" he asks the other. The other gets nervous and says, "Just leave it. It will mean lots of paperwork for us. Come on." A few hundred meters further, the first policeman finds a severed leg and asks "Isn't this the leg of our chief." "Come on, come on," says the other, "Let's just go on." A hundred meters further, the first policemen finds a body missing arms, legs and a head. "Isn't this the body of our chief?" he asks. "Let's just go. It doesn't concern us," Finally, ten meters away, they find a severed head. "This is certainly the head of our chief," says the first. "Yeah," says the second, "Something must have happened to him."

Two policemen are walking down the road and they find a skeleton. "I wonder how he died," says one. "What do you mean, 'he'," says the other, "That's a woman." "No," says the first, "Look at the hands. It's definitely a man." "No," says the other, "Look at the feet. It's definitely a woman."
Let's settle this," says the first, and calls a passerby. "Is this a man or a woman?" he asks.
It's a motorbike," says the passerby.

Two policemen are walking down the road and they find a penguin. They take the penguin into headquarters and ask their chief what they should do. "Take it to the zoo," says the chief.
The next day, the chief sees the two policemen walking around with the penguin. Angry, he says, "I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo yesterday
We did," said one policeman, "Today we're taking him to the movies."

Why do policemen have helmets with white tops? 
Because every toilet needs a lid.

Why do policemen laugh at jokes 4 times?
First, when you tell them, then when you explain it to them, then when they tell it to someone else, and finally when they get it.

Why do policemen patrol with dogs?
Because two heads are better than one.

How do policemen plant potatoes?
They pile them in the middle of the field and yell, "Disperse yourselves."

There are five policemen on a boat in the middle of a lake. It capsizes suddenly and all on-board drown. How many policemen are killed?
Ten, five in the accident and five during the reconstruction.

Two policemen are wandering through the desert. One says to the other, "Shoot into the air, maybe somebody will hear us." The other shoots into the air, but nobody comes. Several hours later, the first says, "Try shooting again, maybe somebody will hear us." The other shoots into the air, but nobody comes. Several hours later, the first says, "Try shooting into the air one more time." "I can't," says the second, "I'm out of arrows."

The chief of police has a birthday and his men give him a vase and some flowers. He thanks them very much, but when he tries to put the flowers in the vase, he finds that there is no hole in the top. "I think it's defective," he says, "and look, there's a hole in the bottom, too."

The chief of police arranges a police action and tells his men: "The operation will begin precisely at 11.48. For those of you with digital watches, that's 'truncheon--truncheon-- upside down chair--snowman.'"

The chief of police asks his subordinates how the night shift went.
Well, it went very well," says one policeman, "except on the bridge, a woman tried to seduce us."
I hope you ignored her," says the police chief.
Each of us -- twice."

A police chief died and is buried. At the funeral, all his men file past and drop flowers into the grave. Suddenly, there is a loud thud and everybody looks back. Sheepishly, one of the policemen admits, "Well, they didn't have any more flowers so I brought a box of chocolates."

The chief of police orders all his policemen to save electricity: "No useless watching of TV. Turn it off as soon as the news is over." The next day, he checked to see whether the men had followed his orders.
The first policeman reported, "I went to sleep right after the news." "Excellent," said the chief.
The second policeman reported, "I watched TV with my neighbor." "Very good," said the chief.
The third, full of pride, declared: "I switched to German TV right after the news."
I thought I told you to save electricity," said the chief.
But the Germans have power enough."

A policeman is standing on a sidewalk, staring at passers-by, swinging his truncheon, when he says: "If there is a Communist god, I have a wish. I wish I was on a tropical beach somewhere!"
He suddenly finds himself on a beach.
Amazing," he says, "I also wish I had a beautiful woman to keep me company."
A bikini-clad fashion model appears next to him.
Great.," he says, "I also wish I had lots of money and a job with no responsibility."
He suddenly finds himself on a sidewalk, staring at passers-by and swinging his truncheon.

Why do policemen always walk in threes?
The first can read, the second can write, and the third one has to watch those two damned
intellectuals.

Why do the police drive so fast through the cities?
So that they get where they're going before they've forgotten why they were going there.

It is midnight, in front of the main train station in Prague. Suddenly someone starts shouting, "Communist Party General Secretary Jakeš is stupid idiot! Damn the Soviet
Union!..." A policeman rushes to the source of the disturbance and while handcuffing him finds that he has a knife in his back. "How is it that in such pain you found strength to slander the general secretary and the leading communist country?" the policeman asks?
Well," replies the man, "nobody would have come if I had just yelled 'Help!'"
 
Tram Inspector Jokes
A man without arms or legs is sitting in his wheelchair at a tram stop and asks the people around him if they could help him into the tram when it comes. They do so happily. Once on the tram, he asks them if they could put his cap on his head, which someone does happily. Finally, he asks if someone could put his collar in his mouth. The people are confused, but someone does it, exposing an official badge. "Tram inspector," the man says, "Tickets please."

A tram inspector checks a man on a tram and finds that he has two tickets. "Why have you punched two tickets?" asks the inspector.
In case I lose one," he replies.
The inspector then checks another man and finds that he has no ticket. "Why don't you have a ticket?" asks the inspector.
In case I find one."
 
Politician Jokes
How are politicians like people's appendixes?
Their value is unclear, but they are harmful when irritated.

What's the difference between honest politicians and fairies?
Nothing, both are just stories for children.
 
'War with China' Jokes
A Czech rubs a lamp and saves a genie, who offers him 3 wishes. The Czech thinks for a moment and says: "I want China to invade Czechoslovakia." "Okay," says the genie, "Your wish will be granted. What is your second wish."
The Czech says: "I want China to invade Czechoslovakia a second time." "Okay," says the genie, "Your wish will be granted. What is your third wish."
The Czech says: "I want China to invade Czechoslovakia a third time." "Okay," says the genie, "Your wish will be granted. But may I ask a question? Why do you want China to invade your country three times?"
Because if they invade Czechoslovakia three times," says the man, "they'll have to cross Russia six times."
(See 'Three Wishes' Jokes)

Two Czechs are discussing world affairs. The first says: "It looks as if we will soon be at war with China."
That's terrible!" says the second, "Where will we find room to bury them all."
 
Slovakia Jokes (so say Czechs)
What will they call the political system of Europe in 2001?
The United States of Europe and Slovakia

A historian interviewing people in Slovakia for a research project on World War II finds a shepherd on a mountain and asks him: "What do you think about the Slovak National Uprising (a historic Slovak revolt)?"
Well, I'm ready..." says the shepherd.
 
Other Jokes
Two women are talking about how their husbands spend all their time at work or in the mountains, and they decide they need to find some new men.
But, how will we find them," asks the first.
Don't worry," says the second, "Just clean your flat and stock your refrigerator with beer and food. I'll get the men."
The next day, they talked on the phone and the first said, "Well, my flat is clean and my refrigerator is well stocked. Did you have any luck finding men."
Yes, quite good luck. I have invited thirty two men."
Thirty two!!! What will we do with them all."
Well, you know men. Half of them won't come."
Still, that's sixteen men, how will we handle them all."
Well, you know men. Half of them will fall asleep."
Still, that's eight men, how will we handle them all."
Well, you know men. Half of them will be drunk."
Still, that's four men. What will we do?"
Easy, have two apiece."
 
A girl comes home with her report card and shows it to her father. "All good grades, except you failed English," he says angrily, "What's the matter with you. Don't you know that half the world can speak English?"
Yes," she said, "but don't you think that's enough."
 
A teacher takes her class on a field trip to the zoo and takes the children to the penguin exhibit. "What do you see here," she asks, but nobody answers.
Let me give you a hint," she says, "they are small, black and white," but nobody answers,
Let me give you another hint," she says, "they live in the ocean and eat fish," but nobody answers.
Upset, the teacher asks, "Don't you know what this is? We have studied it for the last month." Finally, one student raises his hand and asks, "Is it Lenin?"